My Story, part 2

As an adult, I had my ups and downs as everyone does.  My downs are deeper and for longer periods of time.  Anxiety compounds it.  I hit rock bottom December 2013.  Life had chewed up my mind, heart, and soul.  I had little left of myself.  I visualized steering into the concrete wall next to the highway.  I considered consuming a full bottle of Xanax.  My mind constantly searched for escape routes.

I had already tried various medications, doctors, and therapy...for over a decade.  Nothing was quite successful.  My husband and parents finally had an intervention of sorts with me December of 2013, and I agreed to a new medical professional.  Time, therapy, and medications...again searching for the right combination and strategy that worked for me.

I held on, now having some hope after meeting with the new doctor.  Also, two people in my life give me a reason to hold on...my son...and my friend's daughter.  I figured everyone could get over my death, but probably not my son.  I couldn't take away his mother, and I couldn't let him believe suicide was an acceptable option (he too struggles with depression and anxiety).  Also, my friend's daughter is an inspiration.  She has a terminal illness.  She fights for her life each day.  It's not fair for me to wish away my life when there is a small girl fighting to keep hers.  She's my hero.

My Story, part 1

I was ashamed to admit it for a long time.

I remember as a high schooler, so painfully hurting within my mind and heart.  Home alone, I stood in front of the medicine cupboard, hand on its door, and just staring.  Wondering, which bottle of medication could I consume that would end my life the quickest and the most pain-free.

I no longer recall what prevented me from doing so.  I felt alone, though, in how I felt.

One Sunday, the front page  of the health section of the Dallas Morning News had a full-page article on depression.  I read every word.  I realized I wasn't alone.  I kept that section of the newspaper under my bed.  I pulled it out periodically to read again and again.  Although I knew I should tell someone how I felt, I couldn't bring myself to do it.  The embarrassment of not being able to handle life and "snap out of it" was too much.  Being an introvert made it even harder.  I suffered in silence; thoughts of ending my suffering permanently entered my mind and found a home there.  Holding on was the key...but why hold on if it was so painful?  Letting go was simpler, with the end of pain in sight.

My New Life

I’ve been re-making my life.  I’m 40.  Yes, I’ve been told we all go through the what-have-I-done-with-my-life phase around now.  I think I’ve been going through it for years, though.  Sadly, I’ve had more down days than up days in my life thus far.  Depression and anxiety are terrible things.  I’ve struggled, silently, with depression for years.  Anxiety crept in at some point during my adulthood.  After having a child…assuming it was due to hormones…my depression and anxiety spun out of control.  Then…over a decade before true relief.  The depression and anxiety are not gone, but are now under control.  My adventure, for lack of a better word (is there one for “bad adventure”?), is a tale of its own.  Now, though, I’m making the life I’ve always wanted…feeling the way I didn’t know was possible.  Time for more good days than not!